We were never close in life. We were always pleasant with each other but no really deep connection was ever made. So I don't know why I feel the need to be so close to him now. He has so many loving people around him already, so he's not lacking anything. I don't think its that I want to be here when he passes. I know some of my family would really like to, but the idea of being there and feeling his last breath threatens to break me. Even so, i can't bring myself to leave.
Maybe part of it is that this is probably how I would have died if the doctors hadn't found out what was wrong with me. Grandpa isn't dying from anything in-particular, he's just shutting down. Like I was. Like I would have. I recognize his labored heartbeat. His tired breathing has threads of how mine used to feel at their worst moments. He clenches and curls up and it strikes a familiar chord in me. I never got even close to as bad as he is now, but i recognize it. Like I said, it feels familiar.
I guess I would have wanted someone with me in my final moments. someone who could understand what I was going through, even if its just a tiny bit. Maybe that's why I don't want to be anywhere but right here, with my hand on his, feeling his body strain to hold on. I heard once that ultimately, everyone faces death on their own. I guess I just want to make him feel at least a little less lonely.
I sketched him last night. I've never been good at portraits, and can only draw things that i really understand and feel connected to, otherwise the lines and the curves don't make sense to me. But I could yesterday. It's kind of sad, at the end of his life with his mouth open and tired eyes closed, and i don't know if it's appropriate to show people (After all, it's a sketch of a dying man), but it captures a very precious moment for me and i figure its safe here:
(I may upload a better scan of it later, this was just a photo of it taken with my computer's low pixel camera)
