"Love is watching someone die"

The title is from the song "What Sarah Said" by Death Cab for Cutie. I've had it playing in my head for the last few days as I've sat and watched my Grandpa. My Grandpa is dying. It's hard to see him like this, sunken and fading. He's trying so hard to hold on. Willing his body to pump the last bit of life through his veins. It's hard for me to leave his side. Like someone should be witnessing his fight. Holding his hand. Feeling his muscles strain and his heart pull its beats.

We were never close in life. We were always pleasant with each other but no really deep connection was ever made. So I don't know why I feel the need to be so close to him now. He has so many loving people around him already, so he's not lacking anything. I don't think its that I want to be here when he passes. I know some of my family would really like to, but the idea of being there and feeling his last breath threatens to break me. Even so, i can't bring myself to leave.

Maybe part of it is that this is probably how I would have died if the doctors hadn't found out what was wrong with me. Grandpa isn't dying from anything in-particular, he's just shutting down. Like I was. Like I would have. I recognize his labored heartbeat. His tired breathing has threads of how mine used to feel at their worst moments. He clenches and curls up and it strikes a familiar chord in me. I never got even close to as bad as he is now, but i recognize it. Like I said, it feels familiar.

I guess I would have wanted someone with me in my final moments. someone who could understand what I was going through, even if its just a tiny bit. Maybe that's why I don't want to be anywhere but right here, with my hand on his, feeling his body strain to hold on. I heard once that ultimately, everyone faces death on their own. I guess I just want to make him feel at least a little less lonely.

I sketched him last night. I've never been good at portraits, and can only draw things that i really understand and feel connected to, otherwise the lines and the curves don't make sense to me. But I could yesterday. It's kind of sad, at the end of his life with his mouth open and tired eyes closed, and i don't know if it's appropriate to show people (After all, it's a sketch of a dying man), but it captures a very precious moment for me and i figure its safe here:

(I may upload a better scan of it later, this was just a photo of it taken with my computer's low pixel camera)