Fuck God

I still hate god (the god of the bible). I hate him so much, and I haven't been able to shake him off yet. I hate that he would create us to need him and then be so fucking distant. I hate that he knew we were going to fall and created us anyway. I would have rather not existed then to know the pain of being separate from him, or going to hell. He says he loves us but then makes so many rules and so many hoops to jump through in order to be close to him. And don't tell me works don't matter. If you really believed that, you wouldn't care if you sinned or not because god would be there no matter what. Unconditional love does not exist. God is two faced. He says one thing and does the opposite. He says he's in control and will watch over his people, and then lets them get slaughtered. He says he will forgive all sins and then later says it's only if you can get it right. He says that he'll heal you, but only if you have enough fucking faith to get it. I hate him. I hate him so much. So why then do i still believe he's real?

I want to believe Gregory exists. That the god that the shack talks about is real. I want to so badly. I want to know that there is a god out there who loves me. Who will take me as I am and not demand anything back. I want a god who created a way for everyone to be with him someday, not just the ones who got it right. I need a god that's not in control of the world and all the bad things that happened, but who instead will be there to walk with you and love you through it. Because if there's not a god like this, then i am screwed. I will die, and I will be in hell with the rest of them. And that scares me.



sorry, it's... it's been a weird week as far as god goes.

Rage

I'm not a violent person. I've known intense anger before, but I've never really turned to violence to solve problems, and until recently, i had never felt rage or an intense desire for vengeance. It's an overwhelming feeling to have you soul scream for blood, bruises, and the need to inflict physical pain. It's consuming. It clouds your judgment. It sounds good. It sounds fun. Keep in mind i didn't want to kill anyone, or torture, or anything that extreme. I just wanted a fight. I wanted to walked away with black eyes as well. Totally battered and bruised. At the core of it, i wanted to push those who claimed leadership over my life into doing physically what they did to me mentally and emotionally. That way It couldn't be misread. It couldn't be twisted. It couldn't be hidden. Everyone could see what they had done to me and who they really were. It would be written all over my bruised and battered face, and i would finally be able to return the favor. To beat it into them that I wasn't going to hide or be submissive to them anymore. To maybe even hold power over them for a moment if the fight went my way. I never got a chance to speak out while i was there, and now i craved to be able to speak out with my fists.

I know that all sounds horrible, but right now it's just me being honest and real. I just pray i don't run into anyone from my old church on a day when my wounds scream for vengeance.

It's consuming. It sounds good. It sounds sadistically fun. It's my first real taste of rage.

The Shack's god

I finally talked to my mom about how i feel about the bible's god (see the post "Why I'm screwed with the bible's god"). I cried so hard when i finally admitted all it out loud.

A few months ago my Mom had read me a book called The Shack. In it, god was portrayed as someone whom i wanted so badly to be real. He was the person i ached for. I longed for. This god would have loved and accepted me no matter what i was, what i did, or if i never got it right. And i bitterly hated that book. I hated that someone would lie to me. That someone would tell me that god was everything I so desperately wanted, when i didn't see him at all in the bible's god.

I guess i can see the few passages about god's unconditional (unconditional = no matter what you do) love correspond with the god of the shack. But what about all those verses about stipulations, holy judgment and righteous vengeance in the new testament? What about the killing and punishment and genocide that god carried out in the old testament? That is not the god of the Shack. And this fact broke me, because i wanted the shack's god to be real. i needed to believe in that kind of god. It gave me life, it gave me peace, it gave me much needed hope. But it wasn't real.

I cried all this to my mom with all my depression and pain poring out. I hate doing that to my mom because i know she feels the weight of it all and i know it wears on her even though she says it's ok and always treats me with love and understanding. i love her so much.

After i had finished bleeding my heart out, she asked me if i would just forget about the bible. forget about heaven, forget about hell. What if all i knew was that some guy died for me because he loved me. She asked me what kind of man really would do that for me? What kind of god would really create the beauty of nature? What would happen if i just went from there and tried to know that god? And honestly, before men put the bible together, that's all people had to go off of. What kind of god would begin to show its self if i only took that?

Then she took me upstairs and read me Galatians from the message. She was right. it wasn't law. it wasn't written by the hand of god. it was just a story from a humble man. I recognized so many verses in that letter that had been taken completely out of context and skewed to pour guilt on to the members of our old church and to support the pastors agenda, to make laws, and to keep us in line. Actually when you think about it, when god wanted a written record of laws, he wrote them himself on stone tablets

So, I'm no longer reading the bible, or letting myself recall verses from it. Honestly, I really doubt that the bible is holy. It's not law. It's stories. It's men's opinions. And while it's true they were men that walked with Jesus, and when their letters are taken with a grain of salt and as a whole and not just as individual verses, there is probably some helpful advice in them. I'm just not going to be able to read it for a very long time. I don't want to be bound or hurt anymore by men's opinions.

I wonder what will happen now. i don't have words written in stone on what to believe and what to do to gain god's good will. all i know is that someone died for me because he loved me so very much. And that thought is one that makes me want to cry because i feel so very loved, and it starts to fill the emptiness of my heart. I wonder if i will every truly begin to believe that the shack's god exists.