Sigh...

So, I'm going to a church today. I know due to my previous post that is a shocking statement, but I've recently befriended a girl that had left my old church a few months before i did. We have reconnected and the strangest thing happened: I found a friend. She called me today for no reason but to ask me to come over so she could tell me what happened that day. over the past few weeks we have talked at lengths about anything and nothing at all. I can tell her about my anger at god and my desire for Gregory and she has no judgment and doesn't try to fix me. To understand how strange this is, you have to know I haven't ever had someone choose me as a friend simply because they liked to hang out with me. I was always the default option. I was either in church with them and they didn't know anyone else, their parents were friends with my parents so we would play while our parents visited, we went to the same homeschooling co-op which had a total of about 6 other girls so not much choice there, and as soon as any of these friends got out into society, they dropped me. (NOTE: This wasn't the case in my last year of school when I began to get highly invested in our cult/church, and was the one who thought i had to distance myself from my fellow homeschoolers.)

But anyway, back to the whole "I'm going to a church" statement: This girl goes to a church of about 8 other college students who get together downtown. She doesn't really believe in the institutional church, but likes the people there. I've been going to their Friday night coffee house where they have an open mic night. The coffee house is not at all a church function, and during my visits i have started to enjoy many of the people there. Problem is that the coffee houses are only twice a month, and i really would like to see some of them more often in hopes that my friendship with some of them grows. Well, i was talking to my friend about maybe going once since my sleep schedule allowed it this week, but that i was terrified of going to church. She brightened and told me it would be it would be great and that we could sit together and that i didn't have to think of it at all as church, but hang out time instead. To be honest, i want the people time so I'm going to go.

The problem is that I'm afraid of which god will be there. Will it be God or Gregory? If it is Gregory, i don't want to see church as the place where i go to be with Gregory. I don't want church to become a sacred place again. A place where i can do witchcraft like chants and feel the spirit. So i told God that i will not worship him tomorrow. I can't. It would be a lie, and that he better not try and show up because i would not accept him even if he did. That's horrible, I know, but I'm just being honest. I will let you know how it goes.

Fuck God

I still hate god (the god of the bible). I hate him so much, and I haven't been able to shake him off yet. I hate that he would create us to need him and then be so fucking distant. I hate that he knew we were going to fall and created us anyway. I would have rather not existed then to know the pain of being separate from him, or going to hell. He says he loves us but then makes so many rules and so many hoops to jump through in order to be close to him. And don't tell me works don't matter. If you really believed that, you wouldn't care if you sinned or not because god would be there no matter what. Unconditional love does not exist. God is two faced. He says one thing and does the opposite. He says he's in control and will watch over his people, and then lets them get slaughtered. He says he will forgive all sins and then later says it's only if you can get it right. He says that he'll heal you, but only if you have enough fucking faith to get it. I hate him. I hate him so much. So why then do i still believe he's real?

I want to believe Gregory exists. That the god that the shack talks about is real. I want to so badly. I want to know that there is a god out there who loves me. Who will take me as I am and not demand anything back. I want a god who created a way for everyone to be with him someday, not just the ones who got it right. I need a god that's not in control of the world and all the bad things that happened, but who instead will be there to walk with you and love you through it. Because if there's not a god like this, then i am screwed. I will die, and I will be in hell with the rest of them. And that scares me.



sorry, it's... it's been a weird week as far as god goes.

My God Gregory

For the last week or so, I've been trying to separate the messed up version of god from what he is really like (The Shack's God opposed to the God of the Bible). I went to see the movie "There Will be Blood" today, and in it there is a very grotesque scene where the Pastor of the local church is praying for healing over this older lady. I swear i have seen that scene so many times before. The congregation all tranced out and babbling in tongues, the Pastor yelling for the demon to come out. It took everything in me not to run from that theater because i knew the people with me would know exactly why i left and i didn't know how they would feel about my reaction (yeah, I'm not quite that brave yet - see my previous post for more on that). But I realized at that point, there is no way at the present for me to say the word god, and not think of everything that i hated about church and the god i learned about there. That playing on the screen before me was exactly the persona that i acquainted the word "God" with. Yahweh, Lord, I Am, even Papa, were all names given to the god of the bible. The god that i hated. I realized then that i would never be able to separate the real god from my old view of him while i was calling them the same name. It would always carry the flavor of the messed up things that i equated with the word. To me, God had become this entity with a personality that I couldn't shake, so the name God was right out. I racked my brain thinking of something i could call this new god. That i could call the Shack's god. The god that would create the wonder of nature, the depth of the ocean, the beautiful pale blue light that pours from a full moon, a god who would trade his life because he loved me. And the only name that popped into my head, the name that i couldn't shake after it had been presented was, Gregory. That's right, my god Gregory. I think i laughed out loud when i thought of it. I had this entity, this blank canvas on which to find and paint a new picture of what god was really like, and i named it Gregory. I named him Gregory. I tried to find something more holy, Father, Papa, Jesus (who i still kind of liked, so that name was taken), the "I Am"... nope. nothing fit like Gregory did. I've never known a Gregory. I don't have any preconceived notions as to what his personality would be like. And now, it just feels like I'm on this journey, this quest to find out what Gregory is like. And now, for some reason, when people talk about god, i can separate the two and figure out if they are talking about the old god, or Gregory. And you know what, I think i really like Greg.

I don't know where this is going to end up. I don't know if it's good, or right, or will lead me straight into heresy and another messed up view about who god is, but honestly, i think it's the first time in a very long while that i have been able to think about god and smile. So maybe that's worth something.

The Shack's god

I finally talked to my mom about how i feel about the bible's god (see the post "Why I'm screwed with the bible's god"). I cried so hard when i finally admitted all it out loud.

A few months ago my Mom had read me a book called The Shack. In it, god was portrayed as someone whom i wanted so badly to be real. He was the person i ached for. I longed for. This god would have loved and accepted me no matter what i was, what i did, or if i never got it right. And i bitterly hated that book. I hated that someone would lie to me. That someone would tell me that god was everything I so desperately wanted, when i didn't see him at all in the bible's god.

I guess i can see the few passages about god's unconditional (unconditional = no matter what you do) love correspond with the god of the shack. But what about all those verses about stipulations, holy judgment and righteous vengeance in the new testament? What about the killing and punishment and genocide that god carried out in the old testament? That is not the god of the Shack. And this fact broke me, because i wanted the shack's god to be real. i needed to believe in that kind of god. It gave me life, it gave me peace, it gave me much needed hope. But it wasn't real.

I cried all this to my mom with all my depression and pain poring out. I hate doing that to my mom because i know she feels the weight of it all and i know it wears on her even though she says it's ok and always treats me with love and understanding. i love her so much.

After i had finished bleeding my heart out, she asked me if i would just forget about the bible. forget about heaven, forget about hell. What if all i knew was that some guy died for me because he loved me. She asked me what kind of man really would do that for me? What kind of god would really create the beauty of nature? What would happen if i just went from there and tried to know that god? And honestly, before men put the bible together, that's all people had to go off of. What kind of god would begin to show its self if i only took that?

Then she took me upstairs and read me Galatians from the message. She was right. it wasn't law. it wasn't written by the hand of god. it was just a story from a humble man. I recognized so many verses in that letter that had been taken completely out of context and skewed to pour guilt on to the members of our old church and to support the pastors agenda, to make laws, and to keep us in line. Actually when you think about it, when god wanted a written record of laws, he wrote them himself on stone tablets

So, I'm no longer reading the bible, or letting myself recall verses from it. Honestly, I really doubt that the bible is holy. It's not law. It's stories. It's men's opinions. And while it's true they were men that walked with Jesus, and when their letters are taken with a grain of salt and as a whole and not just as individual verses, there is probably some helpful advice in them. I'm just not going to be able to read it for a very long time. I don't want to be bound or hurt anymore by men's opinions.

I wonder what will happen now. i don't have words written in stone on what to believe and what to do to gain god's good will. all i know is that someone died for me because he loved me so very much. And that thought is one that makes me want to cry because i feel so very loved, and it starts to fill the emptiness of my heart. I wonder if i will every truly begin to believe that the shack's god exists.

Why I'm screwed with the bible's god

2 Peter 3 - So then, dear friends, since you are looking forward to this, make every effort to be found spotless, blameless and at peace with him.

1 Corinthians 13 - If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Matthew 10 - Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me;

Matthew 12 - Anyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but anyone who speaks against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come.

Matthew 18 - In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive a brother or sister from your heart.

If that's what god is really like, what he requires, then I'm screwed. I don't just have passing thoughts that i can repent of and move on cleansed of sin. My anger, hate, envy, selfishness; every fault runs so very deep that it's a part of me. My sin entwines its self into my very muscles and cells, into my very being. it's not something i will be able to ever be fully rid of. I will never fully able to forgive. Never fully able to love unselfishly. Never able to be cleansed of the impure motives that drive me. I'm selfish, angry, i hate down to my very core, and no matter what i do, it doesn't go away. I don't love this god. I hate him for doing this to me. For telling me that there's so much love and blessings he can give me, but only if I'm able to get it right. Which I'm not. So i watch the rest of the christians basking in his love Sunday morning, worshiping unselfishly and asking nothing back from god, and i don't feel a thing. And i know it's because I'm not good enough. Because the only reason i even try to make myself better is because i want to feel his love, and I'm told that is the selfish motive that is keeping me from his presence. FUCK!!! I'm so screwed! i have no hope to ever get it right, and right now i want nothing to do with this prick of a god. But at the same time I'm terrified of heading to hell for feeling this way, and i desperately ache for god's love and approval even as i hate him.

Wounded

Abut 2 weeks ago i was feeling better about everything. The anger at my old pastor and the congregation wasn't very strong that day, and it was a beautiful early morning as i drove up to my favorite lookout feeling free from pain and depression for a few precious hours. It was like i could feel my wounds healed over. The scars still remained, but they didn't bleed. And at that moment, I felt a love for god. So after debating it for a while, i decided to tell him that i liked him today.

What i felt in return was a bitter, "Oh sure, NOW you love me." said with a bitter scowl. And the wound over my heart ripped open again as if freshly stabbed. I wouldn't blame him for not wanting to come rushing back to me after i had spent so many months hating him. But even though i deserved it, i hated him for it. I tried to tell myself that that wasn't god. That it was just the enemy. That the devil was trying to trick me. But i didn't really believe that. At my core i really believed it was from the bible's god, my old church's god, and i hated that he would hurt me like that.