Lucky

I'm lucky. I suppose some would call it blessed, but I don't think I'm quite at that point yet. I'm sure I'll figure that side of things out someday, but for now all I know is that I am so entirely grateful for the path my life has taken lately.

I stopped writing last year for a few reasons. One was that everything was changing so slowly for me without any notable event or revelation acting as a catalyst. Its only now that I can look back and see just how much my heart has softened and my anger has cooled. Another reason for my hiatus, is that it became too difficult to write. My brain was swiftly loosing the ability to string together coherent sentences even in normal conversation, let alone the task of writing and editing. So I faded. I curled up in bed and prepared myself for what I knew would be a slow and painful death as my body spent the next few months shutting down more and more.

But then I got... lucky (again, I don't know what else to call it). A new doctor offhandedly decided to test my vitamin D levels because people in the north tend to run a little low. We received a letter two weeks later with the results (which were shockingly low) and a prescription for a few high dose vitamin D capsule. Two days after taking the first pill the pain that had been my constant companion the last few years vanished from my muscles. I was in shock, refusing to believe that an answer could be this simple, this elegant. It all seemed too good to be true and I braced myself for the inevitable crashing reality of its eventual failure and the return of the pain. But it never returned. That was 5 months ago. 5 months I've spent holding my breath as I watch symptom after symptom improve then disappear. I felt muscles begin to return and move fluidly under my skin. I relished in the strength of my lungs as they breathed in and out with ease and felt the strong beat of my heart as it began to pump steadily in my chest. I began to trust the flow of a body that could heal, metabolize and move as life once again began to flow through my veins.

And Greg... even in death I could feel him by my side, reassuring me of his love. I don't know if he's the one responsible for finding my cure, but that doesn't really matter. Even if I had died I would have known that he loved me, and that was more then I could ever ask of him. I was grateful for that. I don't know when I started to believe so strongly that he existed, the whole past year and a half is a bit of a foggy blur. I know it happened slowly. I know love took its time. Fixing itself into the air around me, slowly saturating my skin and winding its way deeper and deeper into my soul till it became a part of the very cells that made up my being. I value that. I value what I've found. A part of me still mourns for the years that I lost and the pain that I've experienced, but I'm so very grateful for what I've found. As I've said before, I'm lucky.

No prayer in sight

So, I haven't been praying. I haven't for months. I just stopped. I don't know if it's because I got so tired of getting my hopes up only to be let down, feeling selfish and whiny asking for stuff, maybe i just didn't believe it really did anything or just wanted to spite a good that i hated. Maybe a mix of all four. Anyway, in my months of silence, i forgot how to pray. I can't bring myself to ask for help, or comfort or peace, or healing. The only prayer that has left my heart was one night when i was feeling more despondent then usual, I looked vaguely into the distance and in an unsure and faulty voice asked, "Gregory, um... if your really there, it would be really great if you could come find me."

It hasn't been hard not to pray. Except for in the beginning when i was looking for a parking spot or hoping something would come out in my favor, i would default to it before thinking, and just roll my eyes in frustration at my own brainwashed self for slipping back into old patterns. But the last few days it was so hard. I wanted to pray. I wanted something bigger then i was to come in and fix things. To help me. I found out that the doctor i was seeing had to give up his license for the next few months because of legal trouble at his office (he's a good guy, just in a bad situation with people that want his head.).

A few days before this, I had gone to refill of my prescription using my new insurance and found that it only took a few dollars off my $50+ dollar bill, and i once again had to use my parents money to pay for it. They don't mind, but it bothers me. But I had car payments coming up for my car, and the fact that i probably wouldn't be able to sell it till summer was depressing. I'm not able work much because of my health, so as long as i had the car, all money i made went to paying for the payments and the insurance for it.

But the doctor thing bothered me the most. I was right in the middle of this new treatment for my thyroid using strait T3 hormone replacement, and the next time i saw him, he was going to do some tests to officially diagnose me with CFS. And since his license was gone, all my prescriptions and refills were no longer legitimate. I was scared. He was the first doctor i met that listened to me. That believe me. And now he was gone for who knows how long. So you will forgive me for my temporary weakness to desire for something bigger then i was to come in and make it all better. But i couldn't. I had promised myself that i would see what life was like without prayer. You see, my car selling was the first important event that i wanted to see how it turned out without the request of divine interference. And my health... well i just don't ask for that one anymore. So I didn't. I spent the next few days forcing myself to keep silent, scared to death about how the future would turn out.

Two days ago, I talked to my old doctor's office and got a list of referrals for doctors in PA and found one that said he could pick up where my old doctor left off. It sounded good, and it just helped to know that I would be taken care of. And he's actualy only and hour and a half away. Before i was driving 3 hours almost once a month for appointments. So that will actualy be rather nice! I go see him at the end of this month, and I'm still scared that i won't like him, or that he won't be as good as my old doctor, but i think it will go well. And it's just nice to know that there is someone there to help me.

The next day, my car sold. I had it up on cars.com, but hadn't ever received calls on it. But yesterday a gentle man called up and and asked to come look at it. Later that day, he told me he wanted to buy it! I'm so relieved. Without car payments any money i make goes to me. I can save up, i can spend some money to do fun things or buy some new cloths for the summer! I can start paying my parents rent so i feel better about staying in their home. i don't have to worry if i get enough work to cover me for the month. I'm so very glad.

So, all this without praying. But i wasn't feeling cocky like i had accomplished it. I know I hadn't. It had just happened and I was so grateful to have all if it off my shoulders. I prayed for the second time in months. I stared at my shoes trying to get everything i was thinking and feeling together so i could put it into words that i meant. I began to speak, "Greg, i don't know if your real or have anything to do with all of this but.... if you did, then thank you. I appreciate it."

It's so odd. If Greg is real, I don't think he's the type that you simply go to and asks for things. If i had to sum up what i felt about him during the last few months, and especially the last few days, i would say that it felt like he's the type that would be with me during it all. Not making things turn out in my favor per-say, but instead being there beside me and experiencing everything with me as it came along. I think he would be the type that even if nothing good had happened this week and everything fell to pieces even more, he would still be with me during that as well. Crying during the heartbreaking and hard parts, and smiling with me when happy things came along. Not really in control of what happened, but very much being there and being himself no matter what the circumstance. And that is something I like very much.

MS/CFS

Ok, so the music in this video is rather over dramatic, but you know what? My life with ME/CFS and Addison's has sucked, so for a moment, let's just be dramatic! Every sentence in this video has applied to my life at some point over the last three years, and i still live every day with the milder symptoms.

Please note I'm not asking for help or sympathy, my family has been great in helping me recover and have a somewhat normal life. But i guess it might help you understand my life right now. Plus I'm really tired of being ashamed that i can't do what everyone else can, and trying to gloss over how much it's taken from my life. So here's the deal, you want to know about me, my life and how I'm doing? this is a huge part of it right now:

More on Spoons

I was thinking about the Spoon Theory article this morning as i was deciding whether I had enough "spoons" to style my hair or if i should just put in a pony tail. I went for the pony tail. I've been pushing myself too hard this week and am paying for it right now. I have to miss a friend's going away party tonight because my sleep schedule currently has me going to bed at 3pm and i don't have the energy to force myself to stay up for it. The problem is that its at my house (i live with my parents right now). I know that I'm probably over reacting, but "i need to sleep" just doesn't sound like a valid excuse to missing a friends going away party that takes seemingly no effort to attend, and while "I need to sleep because my stomach has been hurting, my muscles are achy and weak, I have no energy, my body is exhausted, my mind is foggy, and i generally feel like shit and it's all making me rather depressed right now" is valid, it just seems way to heavy to tell someone. Sigh... I know that no one will hold it against me, but still. I feel bad, and i hate that my life is ruled by this stupid condition.

However, there is hope. My Dr. prescribed me a new type of thyroid medicine at the beginning of the month, and last week i was feeling more energetic and healthy then i ever have before. Of course then i got cocky and proceeded to run my body into the ground this week, but i hope that after a few weeks of resting and being good i will begin to heal up again. I hope so, i really liked having enough spoons to go on not one, but TWO errands in the afternoon and still have enough energy to hang out with people that evening! I know, "Whoa dream big!" (said in Juno's voice), but at this point that sounds heavenly.