Sigh...

So, I'm going to a church today. I know due to my previous post that is a shocking statement, but I've recently befriended a girl that had left my old church a few months before i did. We have reconnected and the strangest thing happened: I found a friend. She called me today for no reason but to ask me to come over so she could tell me what happened that day. over the past few weeks we have talked at lengths about anything and nothing at all. I can tell her about my anger at god and my desire for Gregory and she has no judgment and doesn't try to fix me. To understand how strange this is, you have to know I haven't ever had someone choose me as a friend simply because they liked to hang out with me. I was always the default option. I was either in church with them and they didn't know anyone else, their parents were friends with my parents so we would play while our parents visited, we went to the same homeschooling co-op which had a total of about 6 other girls so not much choice there, and as soon as any of these friends got out into society, they dropped me. (NOTE: This wasn't the case in my last year of school when I began to get highly invested in our cult/church, and was the one who thought i had to distance myself from my fellow homeschoolers.)

But anyway, back to the whole "I'm going to a church" statement: This girl goes to a church of about 8 other college students who get together downtown. She doesn't really believe in the institutional church, but likes the people there. I've been going to their Friday night coffee house where they have an open mic night. The coffee house is not at all a church function, and during my visits i have started to enjoy many of the people there. Problem is that the coffee houses are only twice a month, and i really would like to see some of them more often in hopes that my friendship with some of them grows. Well, i was talking to my friend about maybe going once since my sleep schedule allowed it this week, but that i was terrified of going to church. She brightened and told me it would be it would be great and that we could sit together and that i didn't have to think of it at all as church, but hang out time instead. To be honest, i want the people time so I'm going to go.

The problem is that I'm afraid of which god will be there. Will it be God or Gregory? If it is Gregory, i don't want to see church as the place where i go to be with Gregory. I don't want church to become a sacred place again. A place where i can do witchcraft like chants and feel the spirit. So i told God that i will not worship him tomorrow. I can't. It would be a lie, and that he better not try and show up because i would not accept him even if he did. That's horrible, I know, but I'm just being honest. I will let you know how it goes.

MS/CFS

Ok, so the music in this video is rather over dramatic, but you know what? My life with ME/CFS and Addison's has sucked, so for a moment, let's just be dramatic! Every sentence in this video has applied to my life at some point over the last three years, and i still live every day with the milder symptoms.

Please note I'm not asking for help or sympathy, my family has been great in helping me recover and have a somewhat normal life. But i guess it might help you understand my life right now. Plus I'm really tired of being ashamed that i can't do what everyone else can, and trying to gloss over how much it's taken from my life. So here's the deal, you want to know about me, my life and how I'm doing? this is a huge part of it right now:

Follow up to my Rambling

It's been an interesting few days since my last post. I've started testing the waters outside my shell. I've actually taken the risk to talk with people about the whole church thing a cupple times this week. They were all on verifying levels of openness as far as what i could say, but the fact is that i was able to say something, and they didn't hate me. Infact, they were all very understanding, and talked with me through it when they didn't understand or agree with something i said. I'm still scared to be open with people, and will continue to be very careful as to what i say, but when the opportunity presents it's self, i hope i keep up the courage to be open.

A girl whom i was in a small group with at my old church called me up to hang out last week. She had left before i did, and i had seen her a few times since i had moved back home, but it was never anything too personal. It was mostly in larger groups at an open mike night that a local campus ministry held (It is the one church event i go to, mostly because the people there are so kind and open and don't care that i don't go to their sunday morning service. A cupple of them used to go to my old church and had left as well, so i knew them a little.) Anyway, i hung out with this girl and another guy that had just recently left the church, and as we were dropping him off, we all struck up a conversation about it, and proceeded to talk for the next hour or so. It was the most amazing night i have had in such a long time. It was the first time i was able to be even remotely honest with anyone besides my mom. They didn't care if i was angry, or bitter, or having a hard time dealing with what had happened, and the more i shared with them, the more understanding they were and the more i felt like i could share. Looking back, I didn't actually share that much with them, as I am still going to be very careful about what i say to people, (i am not that brave yet). Actually, I think I mostly asked them questions about their experiences. And they didn't mind me asking questions about their god, or about what had happened to cause their leaving or past churches they had attended. Infact, it was appreciated.

I think most of all, it was just healing to feel understood. To feel like i could come out of my walls and breath for a while in a safe place. They didn't blame me for leaving, or for what happened at the old church. It has been so long since I've been around people that i felt like I could tell stuff to, and they wouldn't ditch me for being too messed up or "spiritually unhealthy". It's so wonderful to have even the possibility of a relationship that is not built on church politics or what my leaders would approve of. A relationship where I'm not afraid they are going to run or distance themselves at the first sign of something wrong. The girl that i talked with, she especially makes me want to trust her. She is the kindest, most loving and genuine person i have ever encountered. I very much hope that our friendship continues to grow.

Why I'm screwed with the bible's god

2 Peter 3 - So then, dear friends, since you are looking forward to this, make every effort to be found spotless, blameless and at peace with him.

1 Corinthians 13 - If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Matthew 10 - Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me;

Matthew 12 - Anyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but anyone who speaks against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come.

Matthew 18 - In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive a brother or sister from your heart.

If that's what god is really like, what he requires, then I'm screwed. I don't just have passing thoughts that i can repent of and move on cleansed of sin. My anger, hate, envy, selfishness; every fault runs so very deep that it's a part of me. My sin entwines its self into my very muscles and cells, into my very being. it's not something i will be able to ever be fully rid of. I will never fully able to forgive. Never fully able to love unselfishly. Never able to be cleansed of the impure motives that drive me. I'm selfish, angry, i hate down to my very core, and no matter what i do, it doesn't go away. I don't love this god. I hate him for doing this to me. For telling me that there's so much love and blessings he can give me, but only if I'm able to get it right. Which I'm not. So i watch the rest of the christians basking in his love Sunday morning, worshiping unselfishly and asking nothing back from god, and i don't feel a thing. And i know it's because I'm not good enough. Because the only reason i even try to make myself better is because i want to feel his love, and I'm told that is the selfish motive that is keeping me from his presence. FUCK!!! I'm so screwed! i have no hope to ever get it right, and right now i want nothing to do with this prick of a god. But at the same time I'm terrified of heading to hell for feeling this way, and i desperately ache for god's love and approval even as i hate him.

My Back Story

My story begins with a need to feel accepted and loved.

I went to church almost every Sunday up until two years ago. If you were sick on Sunday, it was just the devil trying to keep you from "god's gift" for you that Sunday. You could either persevere though it and drag yourself to church, or stay at home with the heaping guilt wondering if this was the week god was finally going to answer your prayers, but you were to lazy to go receive it. Way to miss it because of a little stomach ache.

Looking back now, I realize just how well i knew the system at my old church. In Sunday school I knew that standing at the back of the line and looking just self-sacrificing enough would get you moved to the front as a praised example of how "the last shall be first". Even at an early age i was told by my peers that i was wise and had great insight into spiritual workings. Comments that would be seen as snippy and judgmental in any other setting were always praised. In my teen years pronouncing that someone had a "sexual spirit" (aka: any girl that got more attention then the pastor's daughter) was encouraged and rewarded with a smile and a pat on the back from the leaders, and the knowledge that you might have just proved yourself worthy to be invited to that next exclusive prayer and worship session (provided that you shunned and talked bad about all the right people). I'm shocked even now that i didn't realize how messed up and manipulative it all was. How manipulative and mean i was being. I thought that's how god wanted me to act. I thought i was doing what was right.

Even though i was good at the game, i didn't have enough to offer to be part of the "in crowed" at church (i shall call them the "Poplars"). I didn't play and instrument, and couldn't sing very well, so i was no use to the worship teem or a band that would increase their hip status. My parents didn't have a lot of money so they didn't need me that way. Bottom line is that i didn't have anything to offer the poplars, so i was always on the outskirts of the "undesirables" (the people who were deemed spiritually unhealthy), but since i was unquestioningly loyal, i was kept close enough incase they ever needed to use me for their means. which they did, and to my shame, i carried out zealously.

But it wasn't enough for me to just serve them. I wanted to be accepted by them. i became desperate to fix any perceived flaws in myself. I took every message the paster preached as laws that i had to become perfect in applying to my life. I became paranoid of having any sin in me, but could never make myself good enough. I could always feel my shortcomings like broken bones that would never heal. I couldn't purge myself of my sin nature. i didn't even have to actually sin, the impulses alone was enough to remind me of the depth of my brokenness and i would instantly be reminded of why i wasn't good enough to hang out with my leaders.

I meet with the pastors wife to express my feelings of exclusion, and to ask what i had done that made me unworthy. She told me that i couldn't expect friendship from my leaders, and that i was there to serve them. So i went home broken, embarrassed, ashamed, and with the pain of rejection carving its self deeper into my being.

When i finally came to realize that i would never be accepted by my peers, and allowed myself to see all the people i had hurt and shunned in the name of "Holiness", i left the church. Sounds like an obvious thing to do, but it was so scary because the paster always told horror stories about what happens to people after they leave the "covering" of their Apostle. Cars crash, people die, they are possessed by spirits that tormented them and their children. Basically, if you left the church, you chose to leave God's blessings and were no longer protected from the arrows of the enemy. You can imagine how bad things had to be for me to choose the devils wrath over what i was experiencing at church.

Fortunately my decision to leave coincided with an internship 2 hours away, so for the next year and a half i had a convenient excuse to miss a lot of services. However, in a new town with no friends i spent the majority of my weekends at home. Despite my pleading, my dad set the rule that if i was at home, i had to attend their church. So for most Sundays out of the next 19 months i would arrive late, spent two tormented hours sitting in the back while trying to hide from people, all the while feeling guilty that i had turned my back on god and the pastor, as the painful memories of rejection burned themselves deeper into my already open wounds.

8 months ago my family decided to leave the church. There was a church wide meeting to "pass judgment" on us. My parents had been mentors to many of the members and the pastor didn't want "confusion" to break out in the congregation. As a result we were shunned. Despite my previous decision to leave, this cut deeper then any event to date. I had attended this church from the time i was 5 (i was now 22), and friends that had helped raised me, and their kids whom i had in turn watched grow up, now wouldn't even speak to me or my family.

8 months later, i still bleed from it all. I am question every thing i learned or experienced about god, life, grace, freedom, hell, relationships, politics, redemption, healing, acceptance, friendship, forgiveness, and so much more. This is a record of my journey as i try to sort out what is truth, what is lies, and what simply cannot be known. It is a place where i can come and bleed, rant, vent, whine, muse, and ponder. And all of this i send out for anyone who will listen to my story.