Lucky

I'm lucky. I suppose some would call it blessed, but I don't think I'm quite at that point yet. I'm sure I'll figure that side of things out someday, but for now all I know is that I am so entirely grateful for the path my life has taken lately.

I stopped writing last year for a few reasons. One was that everything was changing so slowly for me without any notable event or revelation acting as a catalyst. Its only now that I can look back and see just how much my heart has softened and my anger has cooled. Another reason for my hiatus, is that it became too difficult to write. My brain was swiftly loosing the ability to string together coherent sentences even in normal conversation, let alone the task of writing and editing. So I faded. I curled up in bed and prepared myself for what I knew would be a slow and painful death as my body spent the next few months shutting down more and more.

But then I got... lucky (again, I don't know what else to call it). A new doctor offhandedly decided to test my vitamin D levels because people in the north tend to run a little low. We received a letter two weeks later with the results (which were shockingly low) and a prescription for a few high dose vitamin D capsule. Two days after taking the first pill the pain that had been my constant companion the last few years vanished from my muscles. I was in shock, refusing to believe that an answer could be this simple, this elegant. It all seemed too good to be true and I braced myself for the inevitable crashing reality of its eventual failure and the return of the pain. But it never returned. That was 5 months ago. 5 months I've spent holding my breath as I watch symptom after symptom improve then disappear. I felt muscles begin to return and move fluidly under my skin. I relished in the strength of my lungs as they breathed in and out with ease and felt the strong beat of my heart as it began to pump steadily in my chest. I began to trust the flow of a body that could heal, metabolize and move as life once again began to flow through my veins.

And Greg... even in death I could feel him by my side, reassuring me of his love. I don't know if he's the one responsible for finding my cure, but that doesn't really matter. Even if I had died I would have known that he loved me, and that was more then I could ever ask of him. I was grateful for that. I don't know when I started to believe so strongly that he existed, the whole past year and a half is a bit of a foggy blur. I know it happened slowly. I know love took its time. Fixing itself into the air around me, slowly saturating my skin and winding its way deeper and deeper into my soul till it became a part of the very cells that made up my being. I value that. I value what I've found. A part of me still mourns for the years that I lost and the pain that I've experienced, but I'm so very grateful for what I've found. As I've said before, I'm lucky.

Why I'm screwed with the bible's god

2 Peter 3 - So then, dear friends, since you are looking forward to this, make every effort to be found spotless, blameless and at peace with him.

1 Corinthians 13 - If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Matthew 10 - Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me;

Matthew 12 - Anyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but anyone who speaks against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come.

Matthew 18 - In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive a brother or sister from your heart.

If that's what god is really like, what he requires, then I'm screwed. I don't just have passing thoughts that i can repent of and move on cleansed of sin. My anger, hate, envy, selfishness; every fault runs so very deep that it's a part of me. My sin entwines its self into my very muscles and cells, into my very being. it's not something i will be able to ever be fully rid of. I will never fully able to forgive. Never fully able to love unselfishly. Never able to be cleansed of the impure motives that drive me. I'm selfish, angry, i hate down to my very core, and no matter what i do, it doesn't go away. I don't love this god. I hate him for doing this to me. For telling me that there's so much love and blessings he can give me, but only if I'm able to get it right. Which I'm not. So i watch the rest of the christians basking in his love Sunday morning, worshiping unselfishly and asking nothing back from god, and i don't feel a thing. And i know it's because I'm not good enough. Because the only reason i even try to make myself better is because i want to feel his love, and I'm told that is the selfish motive that is keeping me from his presence. FUCK!!! I'm so screwed! i have no hope to ever get it right, and right now i want nothing to do with this prick of a god. But at the same time I'm terrified of heading to hell for feeling this way, and i desperately ache for god's love and approval even as i hate him.