2 Peter 3 - So then, dear friends, since you are looking forward to this, make every effort to be found spotless, blameless and at peace with him.
1 Corinthians 13 - If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Matthew 10 - Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me;
Matthew 12 - Anyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but anyone who speaks against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come.
Matthew 18 - In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive a brother or sister from your heart.
If that's what god is really like, what he requires, then I'm screwed. I don't just have passing thoughts that i can repent of and move on cleansed of sin. My anger, hate, envy, selfishness; every fault runs so very deep that it's a part of me. My sin entwines its self into my very muscles and cells, into my very being. it's not something i will be able to ever be fully rid of. I will never fully able to forgive. Never fully able to love unselfishly. Never able to be cleansed of the impure motives that drive me. I'm selfish, angry, i hate down to my very core, and no matter what i do, it doesn't go away. I don't love this god. I hate him for doing this to me. For telling me that there's so much love and blessings he can give me, but only if I'm able to get it right. Which I'm not. So i watch the rest of the christians basking in his love Sunday morning, worshiping unselfishly and asking nothing back from god, and i don't feel a thing. And i know it's because I'm not good enough. Because the only reason i even try to make myself better is because i want to feel his love, and I'm told that is the selfish motive that is keeping me from his presence. FUCK!!! I'm so screwed! i have no hope to ever get it right, and right now i want nothing to do with this prick of a god. But at the same time I'm terrified of heading to hell for feeling this way, and i desperately ache for god's love and approval even as i hate him.
5 comments:
Elizabeth,
You need to give yourself some time to come to terms with your thoughts after a spiritually abusive experience, no one expect you to bounce back and be normal in 5 minutes. God Knows that you need time and space to realign your thinking and your faith. You shouldnt rush yourself, its just normal to need a break and God knows that, and he will wait. You wouldnt be the first person to hate him. And there is nothing wrong with the way you feel, its just normal after what you have been through. As long as you are not affraid of being angry and you are prepared to face the feeling and work through them at your own pace then thats good, at least you are not avoiding the issues. You do it the way you want to do it, its your life and you can make it look how you want, its your choice. Writing it down is a brilliant step along the road to recovery.
My wife and I will follow your blog, good on ya!
I agree with Wondering's comments.
I hate that god too! You've had a horrible experience where some really sick people terribly misrepresented God for their own selfish gain. So that's been your only experience of 'god'.
You are right to reject their god. I reject that god too. That god is sick. The consequences of worshipping that god are horrendous. Those verses have been twisted in disgusting ways and used to mean stuff they never were meant to mean and used as instruments to control people. You are right for feeling the way you do after what you've just come through. And I've gotta hand it to you for seeing through it and choosing a different path. It took courage to do what you did (even though it felt like you were condemning yourself to hell at the time.) Keep writing... I'm listening.
Thank you guys so much for your kind and understanding words.
Wondering what comes next - I'm learning to not be afraid of my feelings. this blog has helped so much in that area. It will be quite the ride, but so far it's been really healing for me.
Sarah - It's so helpful to hear that I'm not the only one that hates that god. I told my mom yesterday that i feel like I'm converting to a whole different religion!
Thank you both for the support :)
Hi Elizabeth,
I am not as wise as the people who've commented already on this post but I felt compelled to comment.
IMHO, there are always two kinds of people. People who "fit perfectly" into churches. They have the perfect background, the perfect looks & the perfect life.
And then there are people like me. I too desire to know & love God at church but I'm somehow an outsider before I even open my mouth.
What I mean to say is that there are people who abuse religion & power. Its natural to hate God for what these people did in his name. But I truly believe that these people don't know God or his grace.
This is a long comment & I don't even know how to conclude :-( All I can say is I hope you heal from this horrible experience quickly.
Hi Deepa!
I'm so glad you entered into conversation with us. It sounds like your very genuine, which is something I've come to value so much more then wisdom (though you seem to have some of that as well!). I've been told all my life that i have wisdom and insight into things of the spirit, and I'm more lost then anyone i know!
My head knows that the abuser's god isn't the real god, my heart just hasn't caught up. I guess it will just take Gregory (see my post on that one) showing up and showing me himself what he's like. I hope it happens and i hope I'm not too bitter or hardened to see it. But i guess that would be the beauty of it. He would have to be a god that met me exactly where i am and required nothing of me in return.
Post a Comment