Follow up to my Rambling

It's been an interesting few days since my last post. I've started testing the waters outside my shell. I've actually taken the risk to talk with people about the whole church thing a cupple times this week. They were all on verifying levels of openness as far as what i could say, but the fact is that i was able to say something, and they didn't hate me. Infact, they were all very understanding, and talked with me through it when they didn't understand or agree with something i said. I'm still scared to be open with people, and will continue to be very careful as to what i say, but when the opportunity presents it's self, i hope i keep up the courage to be open.

A girl whom i was in a small group with at my old church called me up to hang out last week. She had left before i did, and i had seen her a few times since i had moved back home, but it was never anything too personal. It was mostly in larger groups at an open mike night that a local campus ministry held (It is the one church event i go to, mostly because the people there are so kind and open and don't care that i don't go to their sunday morning service. A cupple of them used to go to my old church and had left as well, so i knew them a little.) Anyway, i hung out with this girl and another guy that had just recently left the church, and as we were dropping him off, we all struck up a conversation about it, and proceeded to talk for the next hour or so. It was the most amazing night i have had in such a long time. It was the first time i was able to be even remotely honest with anyone besides my mom. They didn't care if i was angry, or bitter, or having a hard time dealing with what had happened, and the more i shared with them, the more understanding they were and the more i felt like i could share. Looking back, I didn't actually share that much with them, as I am still going to be very careful about what i say to people, (i am not that brave yet). Actually, I think I mostly asked them questions about their experiences. And they didn't mind me asking questions about their god, or about what had happened to cause their leaving or past churches they had attended. Infact, it was appreciated.

I think most of all, it was just healing to feel understood. To feel like i could come out of my walls and breath for a while in a safe place. They didn't blame me for leaving, or for what happened at the old church. It has been so long since I've been around people that i felt like I could tell stuff to, and they wouldn't ditch me for being too messed up or "spiritually unhealthy". It's so wonderful to have even the possibility of a relationship that is not built on church politics or what my leaders would approve of. A relationship where I'm not afraid they are going to run or distance themselves at the first sign of something wrong. The girl that i talked with, she especially makes me want to trust her. She is the kindest, most loving and genuine person i have ever encountered. I very much hope that our friendship continues to grow.

Rambling

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately. They are all encouraging, beautiful, and i love having a window into these people's lives. But i can't shake this feeling that everyone who has left an abusive church has become these tender, loving people who have learned so much about god's love and giving people grace. Who have walked away and learned these grand lessons and become better for it. Since I left my church I've become angry, bitter, cynical, sarcastic and more insecure then ever before. From doubting if a god even exists, to changing gods completely (see my post on The Shack's God). And if anyone even hints that one of my new and shaky beliefs are wrong i feel attacked and become defensive and visibly venomous even if i remain silent. If anyone brings up the bible or references what i feel to be the God of the bible, i want to scream and vent out my hate. I'm not gracious. I'm not kind. I'm not loving. Even though I can remain placid on the outside so i don't offend the person I'm talking to, inside i am ready to scream. But i stay silent because i know if i open my mouth the full force of my wrath will hit them, and the deep and dark emotions that i feel will negate any validity of my argument, and that's not the person i want to be.

I don't want to show that ugly side of myself to the people. I'm so afraid that they will reject me completely. I'm afraid of being to needy, to emotional, to angry, to messed up. I learned in church that these were the kind of people that you shouldn't be around. that should be cut off. And to be honest, hurt and bitter people are not fun to be with so i don't blame them. I feel like i spend so much time trying to hide my faults from people, that there's no substance to me at all. That I'm one dimensional. But how could they think otherwise? I never say anything. When people ask me how I'm doing it's always "I'm fine" with a smile. I never let it show that I'm not feeling well, or upset. Some people that i have hung out with don't even know that I'm sick. And i've know some of them for so long, that i'm embarrassed to say anything, and i'm not close enough to any of them to trust that they will love me anyway.

I wonder if people get the feeling that i'm faking it. That there's just something off about my act. But they never say anything and I never give them reason to ask. The times when I have eluded to it, i just feel guilty for being so needy.

I have one friend from my old church who for some reason didn't shun me. He's one of the people that was deemed "spiritually unhealty", but i don't think he ever noticed. He's never been on the inside workings of the church, so he never sees the dark side of the place. But i can see him getting pulled into their elitist theology more and more. I hate when he talks about god, or if he mentions something the pastor said that meant something to him. I want to scream. I want to throw things. but i have so very few friends right now that I'm not willing to risk it. At our church we were taught not to associate with people that left the church because they would spread seeds of division and try to turn you against the pastor. And that's exactly what i would do if i told him what i was thinking. Even if i was able to say it earnestly and kindly, I'm so afraid that it would bring up all those messages in his mind, and that will be it. I would hate that, but it's becoming worse so i know that eventually I'm going to say something. I wonder what will happen when i do.

Why I'm screwed with the bible's god

2 Peter 3 - So then, dear friends, since you are looking forward to this, make every effort to be found spotless, blameless and at peace with him.

1 Corinthians 13 - If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Matthew 10 - Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me;

Matthew 12 - Anyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but anyone who speaks against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come.

Matthew 18 - In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive a brother or sister from your heart.

If that's what god is really like, what he requires, then I'm screwed. I don't just have passing thoughts that i can repent of and move on cleansed of sin. My anger, hate, envy, selfishness; every fault runs so very deep that it's a part of me. My sin entwines its self into my very muscles and cells, into my very being. it's not something i will be able to ever be fully rid of. I will never fully able to forgive. Never fully able to love unselfishly. Never able to be cleansed of the impure motives that drive me. I'm selfish, angry, i hate down to my very core, and no matter what i do, it doesn't go away. I don't love this god. I hate him for doing this to me. For telling me that there's so much love and blessings he can give me, but only if I'm able to get it right. Which I'm not. So i watch the rest of the christians basking in his love Sunday morning, worshiping unselfishly and asking nothing back from god, and i don't feel a thing. And i know it's because I'm not good enough. Because the only reason i even try to make myself better is because i want to feel his love, and I'm told that is the selfish motive that is keeping me from his presence. FUCK!!! I'm so screwed! i have no hope to ever get it right, and right now i want nothing to do with this prick of a god. But at the same time I'm terrified of heading to hell for feeling this way, and i desperately ache for god's love and approval even as i hate him.