Sigh...

So, I'm going to a church today. I know due to my previous post that is a shocking statement, but I've recently befriended a girl that had left my old church a few months before i did. We have reconnected and the strangest thing happened: I found a friend. She called me today for no reason but to ask me to come over so she could tell me what happened that day. over the past few weeks we have talked at lengths about anything and nothing at all. I can tell her about my anger at god and my desire for Gregory and she has no judgment and doesn't try to fix me. To understand how strange this is, you have to know I haven't ever had someone choose me as a friend simply because they liked to hang out with me. I was always the default option. I was either in church with them and they didn't know anyone else, their parents were friends with my parents so we would play while our parents visited, we went to the same homeschooling co-op which had a total of about 6 other girls so not much choice there, and as soon as any of these friends got out into society, they dropped me. (NOTE: This wasn't the case in my last year of school when I began to get highly invested in our cult/church, and was the one who thought i had to distance myself from my fellow homeschoolers.)

But anyway, back to the whole "I'm going to a church" statement: This girl goes to a church of about 8 other college students who get together downtown. She doesn't really believe in the institutional church, but likes the people there. I've been going to their Friday night coffee house where they have an open mic night. The coffee house is not at all a church function, and during my visits i have started to enjoy many of the people there. Problem is that the coffee houses are only twice a month, and i really would like to see some of them more often in hopes that my friendship with some of them grows. Well, i was talking to my friend about maybe going once since my sleep schedule allowed it this week, but that i was terrified of going to church. She brightened and told me it would be it would be great and that we could sit together and that i didn't have to think of it at all as church, but hang out time instead. To be honest, i want the people time so I'm going to go.

The problem is that I'm afraid of which god will be there. Will it be God or Gregory? If it is Gregory, i don't want to see church as the place where i go to be with Gregory. I don't want church to become a sacred place again. A place where i can do witchcraft like chants and feel the spirit. So i told God that i will not worship him tomorrow. I can't. It would be a lie, and that he better not try and show up because i would not accept him even if he did. That's horrible, I know, but I'm just being honest. I will let you know how it goes.

Follow up to my Rambling

It's been an interesting few days since my last post. I've started testing the waters outside my shell. I've actually taken the risk to talk with people about the whole church thing a cupple times this week. They were all on verifying levels of openness as far as what i could say, but the fact is that i was able to say something, and they didn't hate me. Infact, they were all very understanding, and talked with me through it when they didn't understand or agree with something i said. I'm still scared to be open with people, and will continue to be very careful as to what i say, but when the opportunity presents it's self, i hope i keep up the courage to be open.

A girl whom i was in a small group with at my old church called me up to hang out last week. She had left before i did, and i had seen her a few times since i had moved back home, but it was never anything too personal. It was mostly in larger groups at an open mike night that a local campus ministry held (It is the one church event i go to, mostly because the people there are so kind and open and don't care that i don't go to their sunday morning service. A cupple of them used to go to my old church and had left as well, so i knew them a little.) Anyway, i hung out with this girl and another guy that had just recently left the church, and as we were dropping him off, we all struck up a conversation about it, and proceeded to talk for the next hour or so. It was the most amazing night i have had in such a long time. It was the first time i was able to be even remotely honest with anyone besides my mom. They didn't care if i was angry, or bitter, or having a hard time dealing with what had happened, and the more i shared with them, the more understanding they were and the more i felt like i could share. Looking back, I didn't actually share that much with them, as I am still going to be very careful about what i say to people, (i am not that brave yet). Actually, I think I mostly asked them questions about their experiences. And they didn't mind me asking questions about their god, or about what had happened to cause their leaving or past churches they had attended. Infact, it was appreciated.

I think most of all, it was just healing to feel understood. To feel like i could come out of my walls and breath for a while in a safe place. They didn't blame me for leaving, or for what happened at the old church. It has been so long since I've been around people that i felt like I could tell stuff to, and they wouldn't ditch me for being too messed up or "spiritually unhealthy". It's so wonderful to have even the possibility of a relationship that is not built on church politics or what my leaders would approve of. A relationship where I'm not afraid they are going to run or distance themselves at the first sign of something wrong. The girl that i talked with, she especially makes me want to trust her. She is the kindest, most loving and genuine person i have ever encountered. I very much hope that our friendship continues to grow.

Rambling

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately. They are all encouraging, beautiful, and i love having a window into these people's lives. But i can't shake this feeling that everyone who has left an abusive church has become these tender, loving people who have learned so much about god's love and giving people grace. Who have walked away and learned these grand lessons and become better for it. Since I left my church I've become angry, bitter, cynical, sarcastic and more insecure then ever before. From doubting if a god even exists, to changing gods completely (see my post on The Shack's God). And if anyone even hints that one of my new and shaky beliefs are wrong i feel attacked and become defensive and visibly venomous even if i remain silent. If anyone brings up the bible or references what i feel to be the God of the bible, i want to scream and vent out my hate. I'm not gracious. I'm not kind. I'm not loving. Even though I can remain placid on the outside so i don't offend the person I'm talking to, inside i am ready to scream. But i stay silent because i know if i open my mouth the full force of my wrath will hit them, and the deep and dark emotions that i feel will negate any validity of my argument, and that's not the person i want to be.

I don't want to show that ugly side of myself to the people. I'm so afraid that they will reject me completely. I'm afraid of being to needy, to emotional, to angry, to messed up. I learned in church that these were the kind of people that you shouldn't be around. that should be cut off. And to be honest, hurt and bitter people are not fun to be with so i don't blame them. I feel like i spend so much time trying to hide my faults from people, that there's no substance to me at all. That I'm one dimensional. But how could they think otherwise? I never say anything. When people ask me how I'm doing it's always "I'm fine" with a smile. I never let it show that I'm not feeling well, or upset. Some people that i have hung out with don't even know that I'm sick. And i've know some of them for so long, that i'm embarrassed to say anything, and i'm not close enough to any of them to trust that they will love me anyway.

I wonder if people get the feeling that i'm faking it. That there's just something off about my act. But they never say anything and I never give them reason to ask. The times when I have eluded to it, i just feel guilty for being so needy.

I have one friend from my old church who for some reason didn't shun me. He's one of the people that was deemed "spiritually unhealty", but i don't think he ever noticed. He's never been on the inside workings of the church, so he never sees the dark side of the place. But i can see him getting pulled into their elitist theology more and more. I hate when he talks about god, or if he mentions something the pastor said that meant something to him. I want to scream. I want to throw things. but i have so very few friends right now that I'm not willing to risk it. At our church we were taught not to associate with people that left the church because they would spread seeds of division and try to turn you against the pastor. And that's exactly what i would do if i told him what i was thinking. Even if i was able to say it earnestly and kindly, I'm so afraid that it would bring up all those messages in his mind, and that will be it. I would hate that, but it's becoming worse so i know that eventually I'm going to say something. I wonder what will happen when i do.