Sigh...

So, I'm going to a church today. I know due to my previous post that is a shocking statement, but I've recently befriended a girl that had left my old church a few months before i did. We have reconnected and the strangest thing happened: I found a friend. She called me today for no reason but to ask me to come over so she could tell me what happened that day. over the past few weeks we have talked at lengths about anything and nothing at all. I can tell her about my anger at god and my desire for Gregory and she has no judgment and doesn't try to fix me. To understand how strange this is, you have to know I haven't ever had someone choose me as a friend simply because they liked to hang out with me. I was always the default option. I was either in church with them and they didn't know anyone else, their parents were friends with my parents so we would play while our parents visited, we went to the same homeschooling co-op which had a total of about 6 other girls so not much choice there, and as soon as any of these friends got out into society, they dropped me. (NOTE: This wasn't the case in my last year of school when I began to get highly invested in our cult/church, and was the one who thought i had to distance myself from my fellow homeschoolers.)

But anyway, back to the whole "I'm going to a church" statement: This girl goes to a church of about 8 other college students who get together downtown. She doesn't really believe in the institutional church, but likes the people there. I've been going to their Friday night coffee house where they have an open mic night. The coffee house is not at all a church function, and during my visits i have started to enjoy many of the people there. Problem is that the coffee houses are only twice a month, and i really would like to see some of them more often in hopes that my friendship with some of them grows. Well, i was talking to my friend about maybe going once since my sleep schedule allowed it this week, but that i was terrified of going to church. She brightened and told me it would be it would be great and that we could sit together and that i didn't have to think of it at all as church, but hang out time instead. To be honest, i want the people time so I'm going to go.

The problem is that I'm afraid of which god will be there. Will it be God or Gregory? If it is Gregory, i don't want to see church as the place where i go to be with Gregory. I don't want church to become a sacred place again. A place where i can do witchcraft like chants and feel the spirit. So i told God that i will not worship him tomorrow. I can't. It would be a lie, and that he better not try and show up because i would not accept him even if he did. That's horrible, I know, but I'm just being honest. I will let you know how it goes.