Church was... well... hard. It was incredibly informal and friendly and i loved all the people there, but still. I couldn't worship with them. I couldn't sing songs about how all i needed was god, or that i surrendered my life to him or about how he fulfills all our needs. I couldn't shut off my cynical inner commentary that insisted on dissecting every line in every song and whispering to me vehemently about how nothing they were singing was true. I can't say god is my all when i am so angry at him most of the time. I cant praise him for fulfilling all my needs when i feel so empty and lost. I can't ask him to use me for his purpose when my first reaction is to sneer at the idea. I can't tell god I love him, when i don't know if i do, or if he is even real, or what he is like. So sitting there watching everyone else basks in the lyrics and music was torment. Not to mention i probably looked so out of place sitting there while everyone else was "worshiping".
Next they had a quick prayer time where they asked us to get into a few groups of 2-3 (there was only 10 of us total) and pray about the floods that were happening near Mexico. They were sincere and their prayers came from compassionate and caring hearts, but this was still so awkward since i have no idea how/what/where/when/why to pray anymore. My friend was there, and I've talked to her about how i can't pray so there was no pressure on me to say anything. But i still felt weird, and lost, and defective. (Because obviously, only a defective Christian doesn't know how to pray.) Please note that they didn't give off this vibe at all, this was all just judgment that i was putting on myself.
So, up until now, the whole church thing had only served to make me feel sick to my stomach. The message time however (or whatever you want to call it) was actually really good. One of the members just spoke on how god will relate to you differently over the course of you life (as a father, friend, mother...). And despite all my trouble with my own god, i love hearing people talk about theirs. Its comforting to watch the fondness in their countenance as they reminisce about who god is. I think I envy them that they still have a god that is so very kind and uncomplicated. Anyway, the guy who spoke wasn't really preaching. People stopped and offered their thoughts on the subject or made jokes. It was almost a conversation. I liked it. I kind of wish i could go to just that part of their church.
So all and all, i can't do the church thing. And for the first time, I'm wondering if i ever will be able to. I always kind of assumed that at the end of all this, i would be right back there praising god. But i don't think so, or at least not in the same way as before. I think this experience has change something deep in my makeup. I won't ever again be able to sing songs that are not rooted in what is real. And you know, i don't think that is a bad thing.
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2 comments:
I'm 6.5 years out, and can't stomach a service. I don't think I ever will. Oh, I could immerse myself in the emotion of it all and get lost in it again - but damn, I just can't without feeling I'd be betraying some of the stuff that's now so vital to the truth of who I am now. So I probably won't. And I don't miss it.
I've done a couple of services in the past year or so, mostly watching someone's kid perform, or seeing my girls in an end-of-VBS style program that they've attended with friends. The speaker might be nice, and the music okay, and the kids are cute, but there's not much Life there for me. I'm okay with that.
That's as honest a "worship" as I can offer... being who I am, thinking (or not thinking) about God and who he is (or isn't), and living in the moment of the truth of all of that. I suppose that's "worshipping in spirit and truth," and that's what he said he wanted, so that's what he gets, from me at least.
None of what you express surprises me. Isn't it interesting how we have ideas about what "worship" and "prayer" are because of our history?
I view most of what you write on this blog as prayer. You are communicating with God. Prayer is nothing more than that. Many of the string of words that we call prayer are often hollow or for people, not God. Every notice how they are often more of a sermon to those listening than a conversation with God?
You speak of the coffee house as not a "church function". Why is it that we assume that hanging out with others and having spiritual conversations or fun conversations are not "church"? This can be "church" more than going to a function or a "service".
And, worship, is merely the living of our lives in relationship with Father and with those who follow Jesus.
It certainly appears to me that you are on the right journey. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and life.
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