I still hate god (the god of the bible). I hate him so much, and I haven't been able to shake him off yet. I hate that he would create us to need him and then be so fucking distant. I hate that he knew we were going to fall and created us anyway. I would have rather not existed then to know the pain of being separate from him, or going to hell. He says he loves us but then makes so many rules and so many hoops to jump through in order to be close to him. And don't tell me works don't matter. If you really believed that, you wouldn't care if you sinned or not because god would be there no matter what. Unconditional love does not exist. God is two faced. He says one thing and does the opposite. He says he's in control and will watch over his people, and then lets them get slaughtered. He says he will forgive all sins and then later says it's only if you can get it right. He says that he'll heal you, but only if you have enough fucking faith to get it. I hate him. I hate him so much. So why then do i still believe he's real?
I want to believe Gregory exists. That the god that the shack talks about is real. I want to so badly. I want to know that there is a god out there who loves me. Who will take me as I am and not demand anything back. I want a god who created a way for everyone to be with him someday, not just the ones who got it right. I need a god that's not in control of the world and all the bad things that happened, but who instead will be there to walk with you and love you through it. Because if there's not a god like this, then i am screwed. I will die, and I will be in hell with the rest of them. And that scares me.
sorry, it's... it's been a weird week as far as god goes.
About Me
- Elizabeth
- I'm 22. Elizabeth is not my real name, it just carries the same vibe as my real one. I'm messed up, i can't spell, i type like i talk, i use bad grammar and start most sentences with "And" and end them with "it". I use cuss words. I hate god most of the time but want so badly for him to love me. I recently left a very abusive church where i was wounded to my core by rejection and guilt. I have a sleep disorder, an adrenal disorder and a thyroid disorder. I had to drop out of college, and later quit my job because i was so sick. I'm weak, I'm sinful, I'm broken both physically and spiritually, and i am scared that neither one will ever get better. This is my story.
8 comments:
Don't be sorry...your questions are valid and ones I've wrestled with myself (and continue to wrestle with when I let myself go there.) Like you, I am desperate to believe the God of the Shack. I don't know what to do with all the other stuff...I really don't. But anyway, I wanted to tell you not to be sorry and to hang in there...you're not alone. And, if the God of the Shack exists, he gets it. He understands what you're going through and you can say it all to him without him running or judging you or sending you to hell. I...we...have to believe that.
Since this is a blog, and not real person-to-person interaction, I don't know what to type.
So let's pretend that we are just sitting somewhere together (as new friends). You say everything you just wrote here. I sit and listen. And I continue to sit with you, as long as you would like me to. You just continue to say what you need to, and I just listen. Hopefully, my silence would be a meaningful show of support rather than an awkward discomfort.
Hidie, Thanks. I know that the god of the shack would be the kind of god that would love me through my tantrums, and there is a stubborn part of me that believes he is the god that i will come out with when all this is over.
Sarah, thank you. that is exactly what i need right now.
I would like to sit with you and cry and feel the pain and hurt and let it out. Just be free to share the emotions, maybe not ever saying a word,much like sarah said. Wanting to be a friend and comforter and express an understanding by just being there.
You are not alone.I to wanted god to love me but he never did.As you say he made so many rules.I really tried so i to now hate god[God of the Bible]I to was afraid of ending up in hell but now my eyes have been opened.Hell is a place where you will not be JUDGED for this and that.We will all be FRIENDS there as we will all be the same[LOST SOULS] I am a sinful person now also.I was once afraid of SIN but now use SIN to show [GOD of the Bible] how much i now HATE him for not loving me.So don't you be afraid of SINNING.
I have now opened a blog where i can post my Sinning.[CURSING,CUSSWORDS] This is where i
tell[ GOD OF THE BIBLE]what i now think of him and what he can do.You to will feel much better if you also would only tell [GOD OF THE BIBLE]what you think of him.Feel free to use your CUSS words when you tell GOD what you think of him.I would prefer you using CUSS words as that way GOD is sure to get your message.My blog adress is http://cursejesuschrist.blogspot.com Please come visit my blog and let it all out.You will feel much better with yourself.Bring some of your visitors with you they are welcome also.
PS:You have a lovely blog.Mine is so plain maybe you could help me to make it look better like posting pictures,backgrounds & ect.
Thank you so much and remember you are not alone i am here for you.Hope to see you come to my blog.Friends are hard to find in this world....
Festes, why do you still believe in the God of the Bible? Why haven't you just taken up Atheism? It sounds like it'd be easier.
Honestly, i still hope to find a god that loves me. To find that there has been some grave misunderstanding about who god is and what he wants from us, and how he feels about us.
It's strange, some days i'm still so angry, and others, on the still and quiet days, there seems to be some small breeze that whispers of love, and of Gregory. (if you read that post). I'm sorry friend, but cannot give up on finding a god that loves me and will take me as i am.
I would like to suggest something that no one seems to really consider and that is the God of the Religion of Christianity is the God who has confused you and let you down. I think the Relgion has made it impossible to be a Christian unless you are a super A personality that is driven to disciple and success. It is all such crap. The Relgion has absolutely missed it. I am not saying that those in the Religion have intentionally caused such damage, but once it starts its like a freaking avalanche that just builds and builds and builds and before you know it everyone is lying underneath the destruction. The problem is that the Religion places all the responsibility on you and then walks away hoping you get it right. But I have found that experiencing God is altogether different. I was a product of the Religion and I was one of those top A performers, but God had to tear all of that away (in a very aggressive and what I used to consider a mean manner) in order to get me to see Him and Believe in Him and actually let Him be the I AM that He claims to be. I just want to tell you that it is possible to know and come to belive that He loves you and then experience it on a moment by moment basis; but it is all inside out and the pathway is nothing like what you would expect and nothing like you have been taught in the Religion. I encourage you to read “We Have Been Lied To - Tearing Down the Walls of Christian Wrong Belief and Unbelief” (Amazon). This book does not create a new mythical God (as in the god of the Shack)but actually helps you walk step by step to understanding all the wrong belief and unbelief (mostly propagated by the Religion) that is a barrier to experiencing God and knowing for certain that you are loved. It is possible; it really is.
don't worry about what does not exist
Men (as in mostly males) created the concept of the 'higher power' to KEEP control OVER women.
(i.e bible passages saying a woman having her period shall be put away and is disgusting and a disgrace; that they MUST treat them like Kings, etc)
Is about male dominance and in the times of the bible women were severly judged and oppressed by males and if they did not fear them they instilled them fear on a GOD.
--Love
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