Follow up to my Rambling

It's been an interesting few days since my last post. I've started testing the waters outside my shell. I've actually taken the risk to talk with people about the whole church thing a cupple times this week. They were all on verifying levels of openness as far as what i could say, but the fact is that i was able to say something, and they didn't hate me. Infact, they were all very understanding, and talked with me through it when they didn't understand or agree with something i said. I'm still scared to be open with people, and will continue to be very careful as to what i say, but when the opportunity presents it's self, i hope i keep up the courage to be open.

A girl whom i was in a small group with at my old church called me up to hang out last week. She had left before i did, and i had seen her a few times since i had moved back home, but it was never anything too personal. It was mostly in larger groups at an open mike night that a local campus ministry held (It is the one church event i go to, mostly because the people there are so kind and open and don't care that i don't go to their sunday morning service. A cupple of them used to go to my old church and had left as well, so i knew them a little.) Anyway, i hung out with this girl and another guy that had just recently left the church, and as we were dropping him off, we all struck up a conversation about it, and proceeded to talk for the next hour or so. It was the most amazing night i have had in such a long time. It was the first time i was able to be even remotely honest with anyone besides my mom. They didn't care if i was angry, or bitter, or having a hard time dealing with what had happened, and the more i shared with them, the more understanding they were and the more i felt like i could share. Looking back, I didn't actually share that much with them, as I am still going to be very careful about what i say to people, (i am not that brave yet). Actually, I think I mostly asked them questions about their experiences. And they didn't mind me asking questions about their god, or about what had happened to cause their leaving or past churches they had attended. Infact, it was appreciated.

I think most of all, it was just healing to feel understood. To feel like i could come out of my walls and breath for a while in a safe place. They didn't blame me for leaving, or for what happened at the old church. It has been so long since I've been around people that i felt like I could tell stuff to, and they wouldn't ditch me for being too messed up or "spiritually unhealthy". It's so wonderful to have even the possibility of a relationship that is not built on church politics or what my leaders would approve of. A relationship where I'm not afraid they are going to run or distance themselves at the first sign of something wrong. The girl that i talked with, she especially makes me want to trust her. She is the kindest, most loving and genuine person i have ever encountered. I very much hope that our friendship continues to grow.