When i was depressed people would tell me to speak happy and good things over my life. When i couldn't worship joyfully because i was upset or confused by what was happening to me, people told me that if i did the actions and said the words it would change my heart. And, if it never got better i just wasn't doing it right or enough. it was always MY FAULT!! It was my fault that i was sad. It was my fault that i was still sick. It was my fault that i was depressed. It was my fault that i was so angry and confused, and instead of anyone asking me why i was so upset or what was going on they would tell me that i just needed to be happy and make positive confessions. Instead of looking at me they would pile on more things for me to do. FUCK THEM ALL!!! It wasn't my fault. It was never my fault. I couldn't fix it. Words didn't help. They may have helped David when he told his soul to arise and worship god, they my help my dad and countless others that claimed them to be the answer, but they didn't work for me. I would say them for days or weeks and and come away bitter, guilty and discouraged because i couldn't do it. I tried. I tried so hard. i swear i tried, but it just didn't work.
I feel like i should give my post some balance. Like i should talk about how if you really do talk down about yourself all the time, speaking good things over yourself may bring you some balance. But i really don't want to. I don't really like balance right now. So yes, every time someone mentions anything like positive confession, or other church propaganda i turn into the Hulk and go stomping and crashing though things. But again, I'm trying not to run from these feelings anymore, so there they are. In all their glory. I kind of hope that balance and understanding and grace for others opinions follow in time. I'm just not there yet.
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