Rambling

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately. They are all encouraging, beautiful, and i love having a window into these people's lives. But i can't shake this feeling that everyone who has left an abusive church has become these tender, loving people who have learned so much about god's love and giving people grace. Who have walked away and learned these grand lessons and become better for it. Since I left my church I've become angry, bitter, cynical, sarcastic and more insecure then ever before. From doubting if a god even exists, to changing gods completely (see my post on The Shack's God). And if anyone even hints that one of my new and shaky beliefs are wrong i feel attacked and become defensive and visibly venomous even if i remain silent. If anyone brings up the bible or references what i feel to be the God of the bible, i want to scream and vent out my hate. I'm not gracious. I'm not kind. I'm not loving. Even though I can remain placid on the outside so i don't offend the person I'm talking to, inside i am ready to scream. But i stay silent because i know if i open my mouth the full force of my wrath will hit them, and the deep and dark emotions that i feel will negate any validity of my argument, and that's not the person i want to be.

I don't want to show that ugly side of myself to the people. I'm so afraid that they will reject me completely. I'm afraid of being to needy, to emotional, to angry, to messed up. I learned in church that these were the kind of people that you shouldn't be around. that should be cut off. And to be honest, hurt and bitter people are not fun to be with so i don't blame them. I feel like i spend so much time trying to hide my faults from people, that there's no substance to me at all. That I'm one dimensional. But how could they think otherwise? I never say anything. When people ask me how I'm doing it's always "I'm fine" with a smile. I never let it show that I'm not feeling well, or upset. Some people that i have hung out with don't even know that I'm sick. And i've know some of them for so long, that i'm embarrassed to say anything, and i'm not close enough to any of them to trust that they will love me anyway.

I wonder if people get the feeling that i'm faking it. That there's just something off about my act. But they never say anything and I never give them reason to ask. The times when I have eluded to it, i just feel guilty for being so needy.

I have one friend from my old church who for some reason didn't shun me. He's one of the people that was deemed "spiritually unhealty", but i don't think he ever noticed. He's never been on the inside workings of the church, so he never sees the dark side of the place. But i can see him getting pulled into their elitist theology more and more. I hate when he talks about god, or if he mentions something the pastor said that meant something to him. I want to scream. I want to throw things. but i have so very few friends right now that I'm not willing to risk it. At our church we were taught not to associate with people that left the church because they would spread seeds of division and try to turn you against the pastor. And that's exactly what i would do if i told him what i was thinking. Even if i was able to say it earnestly and kindly, I'm so afraid that it would bring up all those messages in his mind, and that will be it. I would hate that, but it's becoming worse so i know that eventually I'm going to say something. I wonder what will happen when i do.