Rage

I'm not a violent person. I've known intense anger before, but I've never really turned to violence to solve problems, and until recently, i had never felt rage or an intense desire for vengeance. It's an overwhelming feeling to have you soul scream for blood, bruises, and the need to inflict physical pain. It's consuming. It clouds your judgment. It sounds good. It sounds fun. Keep in mind i didn't want to kill anyone, or torture, or anything that extreme. I just wanted a fight. I wanted to walked away with black eyes as well. Totally battered and bruised. At the core of it, i wanted to push those who claimed leadership over my life into doing physically what they did to me mentally and emotionally. That way It couldn't be misread. It couldn't be twisted. It couldn't be hidden. Everyone could see what they had done to me and who they really were. It would be written all over my bruised and battered face, and i would finally be able to return the favor. To beat it into them that I wasn't going to hide or be submissive to them anymore. To maybe even hold power over them for a moment if the fight went my way. I never got a chance to speak out while i was there, and now i craved to be able to speak out with my fists.

I know that all sounds horrible, but right now it's just me being honest and real. I just pray i don't run into anyone from my old church on a day when my wounds scream for vengeance.

It's consuming. It sounds good. It sounds sadistically fun. It's my first real taste of rage.