She has been such a good friend to my family after we left, and i know she wouldn't ever hold anything against me. She wrote my mom after hearing that i was struggling so much with everything that had happened and told mom to let me know that she was there for me if i ever needed anything.
I never actually sent this to her. I didn't want to hurt her even more by telling her what was really going on during such a painful time in her life, but it does give a good picture of my old church and what happened to make me decide to leave:
Dear Friend,
Hey sweet. mom showed me the email you sent. We both kind of laughed because she never actually said the the person she was writing about was me, but i like that you know me enough to have seen that.
In your email, you mentioned that something happened in your home town that was similar to what happened at the church here. I actually don't know that story. To be honest i feel like jerk for not knowing. During the time we were both at the church i was so focused on looking good to the leadership, that i distanced myself from everyone they deemed as "spiritually unhealthy" to hang around. I'm so sorry. It wasn't until later that i made sense of the amazing, loving, kind person i saw when i was around you, and realizing everything else was just slander to make you guys look bad. I'm so sorry that i didn't see this before. I love you guys so much, and you have shown so much grace and love to me and my family. I hardly feel deserving.
You said in your email that i could rant. Honestly, i just want to tell someone my story so that someone knows what actually happened. I'm a little hesitant because some of it includes the behind the scenes of what happened to you guys at the church. I doubt any of it will surprise you, but i hope it doesn't cause more pain. Who knows, maybe it will help validate what you guys went through; let you know you weren't crazy or reading too much into things.
It's strange, but you were actually the reason i left the church when i did. Shortly after you guys left (it was no more then a week or two), we had an overnight retreat thing at campus church, and all hell was breaking loose. Up until this point i had been a good little soldier and supported the Pastor and his kids through the whole takeover of Campus church. This retreat was bad, people were upset at each other and arguing and getting their feelings hurt, so i walked up to the pastors daughter who was chatting calmly with someone, and asked her what she was going to do about everything. She looked at me and laughed nonchalantly as she said: "it's funny, i fought so hard to get campus church, and now that i have it, i don't want it." and she turned around and continued her conversation.
I was devastated. The reality of what i had done, of what i had done to you, hit me with full force. This leader, this girl i had followed and supported and encouraged other girls to support and follow... it was all so very mean, and wrong, and i had been apart of it. While it's true i hadn't verbally attacked or openly shunned you guys, or others that had a similar thing happen to them, i had sat there and listened to it. i had assured people of the Pastor's family's good and godly intentions. I had believed every word the pastors daughter and the rest of the leaders had said.
I wish i could chalk it up to my being blindly lead or too trusting, but there was always a part of me that had known. I just cared more about being part of the "crew" (aka:the people the pastor and his family cared about) then seeing what was actually going on.
i spent the next two hours of the retreat in the back room crying my eyes out. they finally gave up on the retreat and just sent everyone home, so i left too. I started to hate going to the church as I began to see through the facade. Over the next few weeks it was made clear to me that i would never be accepted by the "crew" there, and this wrecked me again. There were some meetings around this time, and the pastor's wife told me i was wrong, bitter, and expecting too much from my leaders.
it's funny, even after i knew how messed up they were, how horribly they used and hurt people, how much they used and hurt you, it still cut me so deeply to be rejected completely by people that I practically worshiped the "sacred" ground they walked on. I left the church. i didn't leave for any reason noble or righteous, i got mad, i got hurt and i left. the theology issue was just what convinced my dad to stop making me go on the weekends i was home (which was pretty much every weekend).
So, that's me. Every bit of it hurts as if it just happened. Ever person i run into from the church just reopens the wounds from what i have done, and what was done too me. i don't know what to do. I don't know how to get rid of the pain and make the anger go away. and after all the promises and subsequent let down's i've had from "god" i can't bring myself to look to him because i fear another betrayal or silence would wreck me for good.
Well, it's not a very encouraging story, but it's real, and the most honest i've been with anyone besides my mom. If you do know of anything that can help me right now, please let me know. Part of me thinks i just need time, and friends who love and utterly accept me. Maybe that is the only way these sorts of wounds heal. I don't know.
thanks for listening, it makes me feel loved.
Elizabeth
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