That was a hard blog to finally publish (see my last post on Rage). In my church you were taught that admitting a weakness was giving it power over your life. You were reprimanded if you ever admitted that you hated, or doubted something. We were told words had power and speaking them aloud gave them a foothold into your life and would keep you in bondage and from being happy. It was so extreme that no one would even say they had a cold or a cough because that was taking ownership of something evil.
I think it is true that speaking something aloud does cement it and give it some reality, but it's in a way that you can then deal with it. It gets it out of your head so that you can see it for what it really is. Maybe that's why this tactic was used. To further keep the congregation silent, unsure and ashamed of themselves. A brainwashing of sorts so that no one ever spoke against the pastor (because that was giving a spirit of division power over your life). So we were all kept silent and ashamed of even the thoughts that were whirling around in our minds. We ignored them if we could, and if we ever got so frustrated that we did try to confront the leadership about something, we didn't have anything to say. We had never gotten our thoughts in line enough to make a solid argument. We just looked like emotional fools and their points on thoughts and words giving power to the enemy were only reinforced by our behavior.
wow, what an effective lie.
The real power of words is that they hold truth. Not truth as in "this is what is good and right" but truth as in what is actually going on. If you are feeling hate or rage or frustrated, or doubtful, or angry, or regretful, it's ok to say so and not be ashamed or afraid of the fact. I think this will take me a while to learn though. So far every blog I've posted has been accompanied by guilt and fear of saying this stuff aloud. I didn't want to write for so long because i was ashamed or afraid that by doing so, it would only strengthen the doubts and fears and weaknesses that i did have. That i would be giving them power over my life and worst of all, I feared that I would be judge for being so messed up. But the opposite has happened. With every post i feel more real. I feel more at peace. like I'm giving my flaws skin, and space to breathe, and they are healing for the first time in my life instead of compounding and burrowing themselves deeper into my body. I admit to them being messy and ugly when i first let them emerge (my mom can attest to that), but the healing that they undergo after that leaves them unrecognizably ok. So I thank you, my readers, for sticking with me through such a messy story.
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2 comments:
Ok, so I went back to the beginning so i can hear all the background. I am astounded to hear someone else put so many of my thoughts and feelings into words. And frankly, I'm confused by it too. I grew up in the church, like you did, and in a charismatic church. I _think_ my church was much less manipulative and abusive than yours. But I think the problem with having this stuff weaved into your childhood is that you can't tell what's normal/ok and what's not any more than you can pick out the elements in the air you're breathing.
I think that my struggle with this has more to do with my mom and less with my church. I had my own personal cult leader in my home :) I mean, she is a really committed and sincere christian who is a really hurting and messed up person and is addicted to Jesus and spirituality like alcohol and mentored me spiritually. She was controlling and invasive and emotionally dependent, perfectionist, _very_ judmental, and she mixed it all up with Jesus.
I'm right there with you on all that I read here. The anger, the confusion, the terror, the anxiety, the discovering a seed of faith one day and feeling like it's all gone the next. Thanks so much for sharing your journey.
Would you mind if I put a link to you on my blog?
Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I'm glad some of my words make sense to you, though my heart breaks for your pain.
"But I think the problem with having this stuff weaved into your childhood is that you can't tell what's normal/ok and what's not any more than you can pick out the elements in the air you're breathing." that's beautifully put! I've kind of been thinking about that idea lately and you put perfect words to it.
I've been reading a little of your blog and am finding things that strike chords in me too. Thank you so much for writing!
and i wouldn't mind at all if you linked to my blog :)
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