Abut 2 weeks ago i was feeling better about everything. The anger at my old pastor and the congregation wasn't very strong that day, and it was a beautiful early morning as i drove up to my favorite lookout feeling free from pain and depression for a few precious hours. It was like i could feel my wounds healed over. The scars still remained, but they didn't bleed. And at that moment, I felt a love for god. So after debating it for a while, i decided to tell him that i liked him today.
What i felt in return was a bitter, "Oh sure, NOW you love me." said with a bitter scowl. And the wound over my heart ripped open again as if freshly stabbed. I wouldn't blame him for not wanting to come rushing back to me after i had spent so many months hating him. But even though i deserved it, i hated him for it. I tried to tell myself that that wasn't god. That it was just the enemy. That the devil was trying to trick me. But i didn't really believe that. At my core i really believed it was from the bible's god, my old church's god, and i hated that he would hurt me like that.
About Me
- Elizabeth
- I'm 22. Elizabeth is not my real name, it just carries the same vibe as my real one. I'm messed up, i can't spell, i type like i talk, i use bad grammar and start most sentences with "And" and end them with "it". I use cuss words. I hate god most of the time but want so badly for him to love me. I recently left a very abusive church where i was wounded to my core by rejection and guilt. I have a sleep disorder, an adrenal disorder and a thyroid disorder. I had to drop out of college, and later quit my job because i was so sick. I'm weak, I'm sinful, I'm broken both physically and spiritually, and i am scared that neither one will ever get better. This is my story.
1 comment:
Elizabeth, that was not, in any way, a message from God. The bible tells us that “Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” Romans 8:1 Guilt is not part of a relationship with God.
My heart aches for you, for the wounds that haven't even had time to scab over yet. God is binding up your wounds, not tearing them open.
It is, actually, ok to be angry with God. You can scream at him and beat your fists against his chest, and that's ok. Anger with God can often bring us to a place where we are spent and worn out, and God can use that to start wiping tears and cleaning up the wound and bandaging cuts and splinting broken bones. It's painful, but healing.
Don't give up.
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