My God Gregory

For the last week or so, I've been trying to separate the messed up version of god from what he is really like (The Shack's God opposed to the God of the Bible). I went to see the movie "There Will be Blood" today, and in it there is a very grotesque scene where the Pastor of the local church is praying for healing over this older lady. I swear i have seen that scene so many times before. The congregation all tranced out and babbling in tongues, the Pastor yelling for the demon to come out. It took everything in me not to run from that theater because i knew the people with me would know exactly why i left and i didn't know how they would feel about my reaction (yeah, I'm not quite that brave yet - see my previous post for more on that). But I realized at that point, there is no way at the present for me to say the word god, and not think of everything that i hated about church and the god i learned about there. That playing on the screen before me was exactly the persona that i acquainted the word "God" with. Yahweh, Lord, I Am, even Papa, were all names given to the god of the bible. The god that i hated. I realized then that i would never be able to separate the real god from my old view of him while i was calling them the same name. It would always carry the flavor of the messed up things that i equated with the word. To me, God had become this entity with a personality that I couldn't shake, so the name God was right out. I racked my brain thinking of something i could call this new god. That i could call the Shack's god. The god that would create the wonder of nature, the depth of the ocean, the beautiful pale blue light that pours from a full moon, a god who would trade his life because he loved me. And the only name that popped into my head, the name that i couldn't shake after it had been presented was, Gregory. That's right, my god Gregory. I think i laughed out loud when i thought of it. I had this entity, this blank canvas on which to find and paint a new picture of what god was really like, and i named it Gregory. I named him Gregory. I tried to find something more holy, Father, Papa, Jesus (who i still kind of liked, so that name was taken), the "I Am"... nope. nothing fit like Gregory did. I've never known a Gregory. I don't have any preconceived notions as to what his personality would be like. And now, it just feels like I'm on this journey, this quest to find out what Gregory is like. And now, for some reason, when people talk about god, i can separate the two and figure out if they are talking about the old god, or Gregory. And you know what, I think i really like Greg.

I don't know where this is going to end up. I don't know if it's good, or right, or will lead me straight into heresy and another messed up view about who god is, but honestly, i think it's the first time in a very long while that i have been able to think about god and smile. So maybe that's worth something.